It's a well-known fact that women are earning more college degrees than men these days. And yet, the first time my husband showed up at a local playgroup (often still called a "moms' group") with our son, the mothers there looked at him like he was an alien — or possibly a criminal. 

While it's not uncommon to have one parent stay at home part-time or all the time, adhering to your "traditional" gender roles, most of these family arrangements involve a breadwinning father and stay-at-home mother. And that means that one spouse makes more money than the other.

I make more money than my husband. Heck, even before we had a child, I made more money than him.

RELATED: Study Finds That Even Men Who Make Less Money Than Their Partners Still Aren't Splitting The Chores

We didn't think about it much when we were dating or even when we were first married. "What's the big deal?" we'd say. "It's the 21st century."

But over the years, our marital arrangement has taken a toll on both of us, mostly in surprising ways. We both had to put effort and compromise into our marriage, and the creation of an optimal home environment for our son.

But today we're both happy with our family roles and lives outside the home.

Here's how we dealt with me making more money than my husband.

1. We made peace with our different upbringings.

We may be born as blank slates, but the culture you're raised in quickly imprints messages about how boys and girls (and the adults they'll become) should behave. My husband and I began our soul-searching by examining our own upbringings and the assumptions we held about gender roles.

While my mom was home with me for the first few years, she got back into the workforce part-time — and then full-time when I entered middle school. As she progressed in her career in financial services, her earnings exceeded my dad's.

He had a small consulting firm that went through ups and downs in profitability. Since he had a more flexible schedule, my dad was often the one to pick me up from school when I was sick and put dinner on the table every night.

He wasn't necessarily as good as my mom at every domestic task, but he tried and their arrangement gave me a more flexible view of gender roles in marriage. I expected to be equal with my future husband in everything, including housework.

2. We realized traditional gender roles changed over time.

My husband had a more traditional family structure. His mom was home full-time with him and his two siblings, and his dad was the breadwinner.

My husband still marvels at his mother's ability to "do everything" and keep the house immaculate. It's also hard for him to not have as much control over the finances and major family decisions as his father had.

But he recognizes that he's a different man than his father, living in a different time. My husband never wanted to do anything other than play music, so he's grateful my salary allows him to work as a professional musician while caring for our son to avoid the cost and other tolls of daycare.

Once we were honest about the ingrained beliefs our families and culture had handed down to us, we were able to shake free and embrace our different arrangement, focusing on the ways it worked well for us as individuals, and as a family unit.

RELATED: My Wife Is The Breadwinner In Our Family, And I Love It

3. We found ways to value the contributions of the 'lower-earning' spouse (my husband).

We found that while my husband did plenty of work in and out of the home, logging as many hours or more than I did at my desk, both of us tended to take his contributions for granted.

Our society values money, so work that's rewarded with a fat paycheck is more valued than the work stay-at-home parents do "for free."

So, my husband and I looked for ways to recognize his efforts and make him feel more valued. To start with, we recognized the many hats he wears. In addition to his work as a musician, he's our son's primary caretaker, completes most of the household chores and maintenance, and also puts a college accounting class to work as our family's "CFO."

It's not just about making sure bills are paid on time; my husband also looks for ways to cut costs on expenses, thereby contributing more money to our bottom line. For example, he did some research on how to lower our car insurance bill and also arranged for our mortgage to be refinanced at a lower interest rate.

It takes time and research to save money on daily expenses, and I'm grateful to my husband for putting in the effort I wouldn't have time or energy for.

4. We focused on the big picture.

If we're lucky, our lives and our marriage will be long.

We focus on the big picture as much as our current situation. In this chapter of our lives, I make more money, but no one's job is secure anymore. I could be laid off or see my income decline for other reasons.

If that happened, I know my husband would step up to the plate and find a full-time job to support the family. We could also end up on more equal financial footing someday, both earning closer to the same amount of money.

The most important thing to us is to remember we're in this together. We're partners; we're a family. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

RELATED: My Wife Makes More Money Than I Do And Supports Our Family — And Sometimes, I Secretly Hate It

Savannah Hemmings is a writer, author, personal stylist, and lifestyle blogger at Sincerely Savannah. 

Almost a third of working women nationwide now out-earn their husbands. It was inevitable, really. With more women than men going to college, with women taking less time out from careers to raise children, with more women choosing careers that only a few years ago were the province of men, better jobs and better money have become available to them.

There are no “rules” for managing this change. At the present time, every couple in which the woman is the primary wage earner is very much on its own, inventing a family life that is radically different from that which they knew growing up. Often, the partners are surprised to find that each clings to their “traditional” role, even when such roles are no longer practical or even humane; a woman who puts in a 13-hour day at the office simply can’t come home and do the laundry too.

And yet, redistributing roles and responsibilities in a family is not as simple as saying, “you take out the garbage, I’ll sweep the floor.” It often gets down to people’s core beliefs about who they are and what they need to be doing to be a real grown-up man or woman. The reactions people have to such things are often distressingly irrational, even to themselves!

People who study relationships are, of course, studying this phenomenon as well. They are finding that, although men with working wives are taking on more housework than ever before, they still lag behind by five hours a week! In families where there are children, the gap is even wider, with women spending 17 more hours per week doing childcare and home chores.

It is only when a woman’s paycheck approaches an equal dollar amount to her husband’s that the husband pitches in more. Curiously, some researchers have found that once a wife’s income is actually greater than her husband’s, he tends to be less and less involved at home and that couples are more likely to reassert traditional roles if the balance between earning power is tipped too much toward the woman. Perhaps women still need to think that they can rely on men to take care of them. Perhaps men need to feel that they are still the “head of household” to feel like a man. The issue merits further study.

Whatever the reasons, if you are the first couple in your family’s history in which the woman out-earns the man, here are some tips to give you a hand:

1. Remember that you are pioneers. Few people have been raised in families where Mom out-earned Dad or where Mom was a CEO while Dad stayed home with the kids. As a matter of fact, most people presently in the work force were raised in families where Dad not only made most of the money but also made most of the important decisions. It’s true that a man’s ability to single-handedly support his family was a point of pride a generation ago. It is also true that a perk that came with making the money was an assumption that the husband therefore had the right to a greater say in family life. However unhappy people were with the arrangement, there was a certain sense that Dad was supposed to be the head of the household and everyone else’s roles fell into line behind his.

   Not so today. Even the most entrenched traditionalist knows, on some level, that such rigid ideas about who does what have to be reconsidered when the woman is slugging it out in the workplace just like her spouse. As a culture, we’re still working this out.

2. Keep in mind that the workload, not the players, is the problem. The most important attitude for a couple to maintain in this situation is that they are in it together. The problem is trying to manage the crushing load of two jobs, two kids, and a mountain of laundry. The problem is not who is making what salary. Work together to figure out what needs to get done each week to keep the children safe and happy and the household orderly and running smoothly. Get beyond what each of you thinks the other should be doing and focus on how you both will get everything done in a way that is fair to everyone.
3. Keep money out of chore talk. Face it — it doesn’t matter if one partner is making $22,000 a year and the other is making $220,000. You are both working and you are both putting in 40-plus hours each week to get your paychecks. Hopefully, you are both doing something that matters to you. Probably neither one has more free time than the other.
4. Keep talking! These problems don’t get solved in a single conversation. Nor can you assume that the distribution of household chores, money, and decision-making power will just work itself out on its own. These issues are fraught with emotion. Each partner is consciously dealing with old role models, their own and their parents’ expectations for what it means to be successful, and their own and generations’ worth of opinions about what it means to be a real man or a real woman. This isn’t easy stuff. And it often comes out in frankly weird ways. You may think you are only talking about who is going to stay home with Junior, who has the chickenpox. But if the discussion gets heated, it becomes a forum for who is the better parent, who cares more, who has the less important job, or who is indispensable at work. Take a deep breath and try to own up to those more complicated feelings. Partners need to be friends who provide comfort and support as they both explore such deep and emotional territory.
5. Talk about financial decision-making. In prior generations, moneymaking dictated who would make financial decisions. Pioneering couples need to discuss how financial decisions will be made — preferably when there is no pressing decision on the table. Talk about how decisions were made in your own family of origin and the consequences of this approach. Take the time to outline some policy decisions about who has say about what kinds of decisions and about what kinds of dollar amounts. What money belongs to whom? What bank accounts do you need? Who has access to what funds? How are bills to be paid? What kinds of decisions are left up to the individual and which need to be discussed by the couple? Again, if the discussion gets emotional, know that you aren’t talking about finances anymore. You are talking about much deeper issues.
6. Don’t hesitate to get professional help. It is indeed very sad when money issues erode what is otherwise a good relationship. Good relationships are certainly hard enough to find. Know that the issues around money and power are old and deep for most people. If you find yourselves getting into repeated and heated arguments about money, decisions, and household tasks, don’t leap to the conclusion that the problem is your partner (See Tip #2). You may need an objective counselor to help you sort out the feelings, attitudes, and behaviors that you each bring to the situation. A good therapist can help you get back on the same team.

"I make 70% to 80% of our household's income, and that's when my spouse is working (his work history is a bit spotty). In theory, it's no big deal. My spouse appreciates the stability my job offers, especially since we budget conservatively so that his income is largely not for necessities. I travel some, and he holds down the fort with our child when I'm gone. However, sometimes the income difference does seem to have a subconscious impact on his self-esteem. It doesn't help that my MIL will make comments indicating she thinks he needs to climb the ladder more so to speak, or makes comments about him putting his career 'on the back burner' for mine (no truth to this)."

—bw24

"I make significantly more money than my S.O., and it’s not a problem because we are a team. We support each other emotionally, physically, and financially. We have been together for over seven years, and it has never been an issue. It can be an issue for my parents because they are in a more traditional relationship and they want that for me, but I want to have a big career, so this arrangement works just fine for me."

—elisabettr

Oh, hey, sometimes women make more money than their male partners. Shocking, we know! But even though about 40 percent of households have a female breadwinner, which is more than ever before, recent studies found that people are still uncomfy with that idea—so much so that they’re more likely to lie about who makes what, according to a 2018 Census survey. Fuuunnn.

As one reader who makes twice as much as her boyfriend told us, “I know there have been moments where he’s felt some guilt and shame.”

So even though it’s 2019, we still have to deal with the awkward ways money can present itself in heterosexual relationships. Here, seven women who earn more than their male partners explain what it really feels like.

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He called me his sugar mama.

“For a few years, I made about $100,000 more than my now-husband. He called me his sugar mama, and occasionally we had tiffs when I wanted to go out to dinner a hundred times a week. We jointly decided to be more intentional about spending our money out, making sure we were excited about the restaurant and going on a date—not just going out to be lazy. But I always felt like he was proud of me rather than jealous of me.” —Gina, 29

I felt bad flaunting my good fortune.

“My boyfriend makes about $16,000 less than I do, and the difference was a bit bigger when we first started dating. He’s always known about the gap and, if anything, is proud and supportive of me. But it gets a little uncomfy sometimes, like when I got a raise a few months ago and was excited to tell him about it. He was working up the guts to ask for a raise of his own at the time, which he later got. I felt bad flaunting my good fortune when I knew he was really unhappy with his own salary.

“Or when a special occasion rolls around, I might worry about him spending too much. But he has a really great job that he loves, and TBH, it’s helpful for my own spending habits to date someone who’s so good with his money.” —Caitlin, 26

We couldn’t split rent 50/50.

“When my now-husband moved to be closer to me, I became the breadwinner as he searched for jobs. When he finally got one, he was making significantly less than I was, which meant we couldn’t split rent 50/50. Obviously, it sucked, but there were no hard feelings about it. After a couple years, he started stressing about wanting to be engaged but not being able to afford the ring. Even though I wasn’t in a rush to get hitched, I told him I would be happy to pay for half of the bling—and I did. It was our first big purchase together and felt so good for both of us to have had a part in it.” —Ashley, 29

Although we contribute disproportionately to our finances, we contribute equally to our relationship.

“The fact that I make about twice as much as my husband is not something I think about regularly. I pay for the majority of our monthly expenses, so when I notice he forgets to clean the dishes or some other menial chore, of course it annoys me. I admit I find myself thinking, If I pay for most everything, why can’t he just remember to do the dishes once in a while?! But that’s not helpful or fair.

“I think the main thing to remember is that although we contribute disproportionately to our finances, we contribute equally to our relationship, emotionally. This is easier said than done! But this year, we are really focusing on our finances and saving, so we’re trying to stay focused on reaching a monetary goal. At the end of the day, who cares who makes more when we’re just trying to save for our future?” —Mari, 30

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TBH, my student debt weighs more on our relationship than my income.

“I have a lot of student debt and he has none, but I make twice as much as he does. To us, that feels like an even income split. TBH, my student debt weighs more on our relationship than my income, meaning our financial conversations focus on that more than on what we make. But it’s something I’d never let him handle or feel responsible for. We go halfsies on bills, going out, and traveling. We’ll each treat each other on date nights too. But he shared at one point that he was grateful for my work, that it gives us the life we get to live. It was something he realized he never directly shared with me.” —Simone, 31

I enjoyed taking him out, knowing it was easier for me.

“My current partner and I have been together for about a year and a half, and even though we work in the same field, I make a little more than double his salary. I also have benefits like healthcare and PTO, which he does not. When we first began dating, we would split bills and didn’t divulge much about our finances to each other. But based on our positions, we both knew I was earning much more. As we became more serious, I started to be more generous with picking up tabs or buying tickets to things. He always offered to pay, but I was insistent. I enjoyed taking him out, knowing it was easier for me.

“Six months into dating, we exchanged salary information. It didn’t really change the dynamic. But for the first time, he expressed the desire to make more money, saying he wished he could support me more. He does things for me that aren’t monetarily valuable, like cooking dinner and running errands, and these are things that make my life infinitely better. Even though he may wish he made more for himself, he never feels like he just wants to make more than me.

“I know there have been moments when he’s felt some guilt and shame. For example, I took him on a weekend getaway for his birthday and probably spent about $350. He mentioned that he felt bad—he didn’t want me doing stuff like that. I asked him if he would feel differently if the tables were turned and he could afford it and I couldn’t. He conceded he would not.

“The real test will be when we move in together in a few months. I want to pay a larger portion of the rent and get a nicer place, but he’s adamant that he wants it to be even. TL;DR: My man isn’t afraid of a powerful woman.” —Hannah, 27

He always tells me how important it is that I fight for money at work.

“My fiancé makes 12 percent less than I do and has for about a year. It never feels awkward and he doesn’t feel threatened. He is so proud of me and always tells me how important it is that I fight for money at work. It’s actually because of him that I’ve been able to negotiate higher salaries—he pushes me to ask for way more than I would on my own in every negotiation!” —Melissa, 32

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When my now-husband Chris and I first met, I was a poor grad student who waited tables to make ends meet. My rent was ridiculously cheap, and thank goodness, because I had negative dollars to my name.

I eventually got a full-time office job, but the salary was so bad I had to work at a coffee shop on weekends to pay my bills. While I was working my way up the ladder, Chris already had a successful career as a chef—and his salary reflected it. He wasn't rolling in it, but he was definitely making more money than me. He never made a big deal about it, he just chipped in a little more than me sometimes on things like rent and utilities.

Eventually, my career grew. I got promotions and new jobs and the salary boosts that came with it. My salary surpassed Chris's before we got married and continued to grow. His grew, too, but not at the same rate since chefs, unfortunately, make a fraction of what they deserve.

RELATED:Why Being Married to a Chef Isn't As Glamorous As It Sounds

Now, between career advancements and side projects, I make significantly more than he does. For the most part, it's awesome. I've always wanted to make money for my family, and I love being able to make a decent impact on my family's finances. But there are definitely some drawbacks.

For one thing, I feel pressure to make a certain salary in order to maintain our family's status quo. If my career suddenly went to hell, we'd have serious financial issues. If Chris's did, we'd have to tighten our belts, but we'd still be okay. That doesn't mean his job is less important—it's just the reality of the situation.  

For the most part, Chris could care less that I make more, and he's always been supportive of my career. But occasionally he'll say things like "my job is important, too" when we're discussing something like who has to take time off when our son is sick and has to stay home from daycare. It breaks my heart that he would even think he has to say that.

Chris is incredibly talented, and he absolutely deserves all of the success he's had. But I've caught myself feeling a little jealous that he's been able to take certain jobs that he's wanted for less money, while it just wouldn't make sense for me to do the same. And that's the thing: I know it wouldn't make sense, but sometimes being practical is kind of lame.

I don't doubt that if I suddenly demanded that he make more, Chris would work his butt off to find a career that would give him a big salary boost. But I'd never do that—he loves his job, and I couldn't ask him to make that sacrifice for me.

I'm not alone. I'd say about 35 to 40 percent of my female friends are in the same boat, which reflects the national average (according to Bureau of Labor Statistics data for 2012, 38 percent of wives earn more than their husbands). Like our husbands, we don’t really care that we make more. But sometimes…little gripes come out.

"I just once want to go out and spend a crap-load of money on something silly, like designer boots," one investment banker friend of mine said. "If my husband made the same salary, I could. But I can't. I live like I make less money to balance out his lower salary."

RELATED:Does Your Husband Really Need to Be Your Best Friend?

One friend confessed to me that she's dreamed about what kind of life she'd have if her husband made the same or more than she did. "I could be a stay-at-home mom—not that I want that, but it would be nice to at least have the option."

While the concept of wives making more than their husbands attracts some attention, this income imbalance is really nothing new for couples. Men have been making more than their wives for ages, and we're hypocrites if we suddenly feel like more of the money is ours because the roles have been reversed. That's not what a marriage is, and we would be livid if our husbands did that.

Psychiatrist Gail Saltz, M.D. says as a whole, men now are more comfortable than ever with having a high-earner wife. Still, some aren't—especially if his feelings of self-worth are tied into being the primary breadwinner. Since many men were raised to think that they need to financially provide for their family, they can feel a little disappointed that they're not able to contribute more to the bottom line.

She says it’s incredibly important to not lord it over your partner that you make more—that's just asking for serious trouble. But contributing to the family isn't just about money. "If you feel resentful you are earning the majority of the income, look at what your partner is contributing monetarily or otherwise," says Saltz. "If it's too one-sided, then discuss another division of labor."

The reality is, Chris does a ton of stuff that I can't be bothered to do. He takes care of all of our bills, car maintenance, and issues that pop up around the house without thinking twice. If it was left to me…we'd be in trouble. That alone is worth a ton of money.

I used to wonder sometimes what it would be like to be married to someone who made more than me. My life would be different—we'd have a bigger place to live, eat out more, and travel a ton. We'd probably still live in Brooklyn, which we left in order to actually be able to afford to buy a place and not spend an entire paycheck each month on daycare.

But that's not my reality. The thing is, I didn't marry for money. I knew what I was getting into when I married a chef, and I'd do it again in an instant. As long as we're comfortable enough to keep our son happy, fed, and in diapers while supporting my juicing habit, I'm good.

Chris set a great example for me years ago on how to treat your partner when you earn more money. I can only hope I'm doing it justice.

RELATED:6 Marriage Milestones That Will Make or Break a Couple

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“My wife has always earned more money than me, and for a while it absolutely killed our sex life. Dead. I’m a trial lawyer now, but from 2006 to 2016 I didn’t make a dime. I went back to school to get my master’s and Ph.D. and try to break into academia.” Dave Peters was one of several men who told MEL Magazine what it was like when their wives earned more money than they did. Sometimes, it worked out OK. And other times, it caused problems.

But Peters said his relationship ran into difficulty because of how his wife handled their disparity in income. His wife made $180,000 a year and, he said, she was the one who always had the final word when it came to vacations, where they ate dinner and other household bills. “The kids would ask her for money, and when she said no, they’d respond, ‘Fine, I’ll ask Dad then,’” he added. “And she would snort, ‘Yeah, sure.’” He got a higher paying job and, happily, things improved.

His wife did most of the planning and had the last word on managing their lives, Peters said. He only felt they could get back on an equal footing when he earned as much, if not more, than his wife. Complementary work hours and two higher-earning spouses may help couples juggle parental responsibilities, but will a husband feel emasculated at home if his wife climbs up the corporate ladder at work, and earns more than he does?

It’s increasingly common for wives to make more than their husbands: Approximately 38% of wives earn more than their husbands, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. And, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, that does make some couples uncomfortable. When a wife makes more than her husband, the income the couple reports for the wife is 1.5 percentage points lower on average than her actual income, but 2.9 percentage points higher for her husband.

The financial gender balance within marriage seems to be changing at a faster pace than society’s attitudes about successful women. Men and women who put love ahead of money may be part of a new generation that is breaking away from old-fashioned tropes about who should be the breadwinner. However, studies indicate that they’re pushing against larger social and cultural forces, which put a higher value on husbands who earn more than their wives.

Theories on what helps a couple stay together vary. Some research suggests that couples are at higher risk of splitting up and less likely to marry when the male partner earns less than the female partner. Other experts say couples are more likely to stay together, even if a wife earns more than her husband: Maybe they can’t afford to move out into separate places or, perhaps, one person is freelance and the other has a full-time job with health insurance.

Even in 2019, old-fashioned views on marriage prevail. American men are still more comfortable in relationships when they are the breadwinners. In fact, the risk of divorce is nearly 33% higher when a husband isn’t working full-time, according to “Money, Work, and Marital Stability: Assessing Change in the Gendered Determinants of Divorce,” a 2016 study of more than 6,300 couples by Alexandra Killewald, professor of sociology at Harvard University.

“For marriages formed after 1975, husbands’ lack of full-time employment is associated with higher risk of divorce,” she found. “Expectations of wives’ homemaking may have eroded, but the husband/breadwinner norm persists.” That apparent disconnect may be due to peer pressure, or attitudes passed down from parents. Another theory: A persistent glass ceiling for women at work may encourage men to believe they should also be the highest earners at home.

Americans see men as the financial providers, even as women’s contributions grow, a separate report published in 2017 by the Pew Research Center found. Women bring at least half or more of the earnings in almost one-third of cohabiting couples in the U.S., up from just 13% in 1981. “But in most couples, men contribute more of the income, and this aligns with the fact that Americans place a higher value on a man’s role as financial provider,” the authors said.

Attitudes appear to be changing at a slower rate than women’s salaries. “Breadwinning is still more often seen as a father’s role than a mother’s,” Pew said. About 40% Americans believe it’s extremely important for a father to provide income for his children, but just 25% said the same of mothers. Roughly 75% of respondents in the Pew survey said that having more women in the workplace has made it more difficult for parents to raise children.

Married men earn more than single men or married women

Married men still sit on the top of the wage ladder. The wages of married men far surpass those of all other groups: married women, single men and single women. The wages of married men exceed $80,000 per year on average by their peak earning years, while all the other groups barely graze $50,000 per year on average, according to recent data from the University of Minnesota and IPUMS-USA, a database of individual responses from the U.S. Census Bureau.

There are other reasons why more husbands earn more than their wives that have less to do with structural issues like the gender wage gap. “Men often marry later than women, so there are relatively few married men in their 20s,” wrote Guillaume Vandenbroucke, a research officer with the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis. “The average male worker in his 20s is more likely to be single than married.” Today, both men and women are closing in on 30 by the time they tie the knot.

People’s attitude to finance and romance also change from wedding No. 1, No. 2 and No. 3, said Randy Kessler, who wrote the book, “Divorce: Protect Yourself, Your Kids, and Your Future,” and also practices family law in Atlanta, Ga. “People marry more for romance than for finance. However, for a second or third marriage, people may be looking for financial security,” he said. Despite being a divorce lawyer, he describes himself as a romantic.

Of course, some men are stay-at-home husbands of leisure rather than hard-working stay-at-home dads. Here are just a few headlines gleaned from letters this writer has received from women with deadbeat husbands: “My husband works part-time, has no credit and doesn’t pay any bills,” “My husband can’t get a loan — his bad credit rating is ruining our marriage,” and “My husband grew up dirt poor and doesn’t believe in insurance or banks, yet he racked up $7,000 on my credit card.”

Men’s egos may not fare so well when their wives earn more

At the other end of the spectrum, it may not behoove men to brag about their earning power before marriage. Men who lead a flashy lifestyle are regarded as being more interested in short-term hook-ups or affairs than marriage, according to a 2018 study by Daniel Kruger, a faculty associate at the University of Michigan and Jessica Kruger, a clinical assistant professor at the University at Buffalo in New York, and published in the academic journal Evolutionary Psychological Science.

In the study, two groups of undergraduate students rated two fictional men on their perceived dating and parenting skills, interest in relationships and attractiveness to others. Both men had the same budget, but frugal “Dan” said spent his $20,000 on a car for reliability, while flashy “Dave” said he spent $15,000 on his car and used $5,000 to pimp his ride with larger wheels, a paint job and a sound system. “Men have a greater tendency to conspicuously display their wealth,” the researchers wrote.

Writer Julia Baird has another, less flattering, theory about men’s attitudes to money and marriage. She wrote in Glamour Magazine: “Oh, how fragile is the ego of a man. We must never let him feel like a bonsai in a grove of California redwoods — no, he must always see himself as a towering tree, magnificent in comparison with his female partner.” When she was writing a biography of Queen Victoria, Baird discovered that even Victoria was afraid her beloved Albert would feel emasculated.

Times may be changing from the 1800s, albeit at a slower rate than some married couples would like. One recent study in the journal Demography by Patrick Ishizuka, a postdoctoral fellow at Cornell University’s Cornell Population Center, found that couples are more likely to set up a life together when they earn similar incomes. And when each partner in a cohabiting couple or marriage earn similar amounts of money, they’re actually less likely to get separated.

He analyzed the Census Bureau’s “Survey of Income and Program Participation” from 1996 to 2013 to test alternative theories of how money and work affect whether cohabiting couples marry or separate. The economic foundations of a happy union do not just lie in a man’s ability to be a good provider, he found.

What’s more, couples with “higher and more equal earnings” are significantly less likely to separate. Ishizuka’s study supports “the marriage bar” theory, which contends that the closer a couple is to reaching the economic standards associated with marriage — like saving enough to buy a house and maintain a lifestyle to which they have become accustomed (or to which they would like to become accustomed) — the more likely they are to get married.

Gender politics takes a back seat to an uncertain economy

Uncertain economic times and age bring a dose of realism to gender politics at home. More than half of Americans say they want a partner who provides financial security more than “head over heels” love, according to a recent survey by Merrill Edge, an online discount brokerage and division of Bank of America Merrill Lynch BAC, . Contrary to research by Pew and others, this sentiment is held in almost equal measure by men and women (54% and 57%).

Age played a factor too: Generation Z (born between 1996 and 2010) is the only cohort to choose love (54%). Merrill Edge polled more than 1,000 people aged 18 to 40 with investable assets between $20,000 and $250,000. For this purpose, investable assets was defined as the value of all cash, savings, mutual funds, CDs, IRAs, stocks, bonds and all other types of investments such as a 401(k), 403(b), and Roth IRA, but excluding a primary home and other real-estate investments.

As men and women hit 50 and their salary levels off, that may bring more perspective and humility to the role money plays in their marriage. Men and women acquire more experience the longer they work and, therefore, become more valuable and productive. After 50, however, they either slow down and learn fewer new skills, economists say, or they are competing with younger, less expensive but equally skilled, employees for the same jobs.

Some men are more concerned with their financial future than their egos. This 41-year-old California man, who said he’s worth $1.8 million, wrote to MarketWatch to ask advice about marrying a woman who is far less wealthy than he is. “If our marriage does not work out, does she get half of what we have made in the time together?” he asked. “I have never actually mentioned details of my finances to her, but it feels like a conversation we should have.”

He, for one, would be much happier if his girlfriend had a higher salary and owned more real estate and other investments. “How do I explain to someone that I care about the money that I’ve sweated so hard over for almost two decades?” he wrote. “I know this may sounds selfish, and maybe I am being selfish, but I have come from absolutely nothing and I just want to keep working towards my financial goals.” And now? He’s bracing himself to ask his prospective wife for a prenup.

It's a well-known fact that women are earning more college degrees than men these days. And yet, the first time my husband showed up at a local playgroup (often still called a "moms' group") with our son, the mothers there looked at him like he was an alien — or possibly a criminal. 

While it's not uncommon to have one parent stay at home part-time or all the time, adhering to your "traditional" gender roles, most of these family arrangements involve a breadwinning father and stay-at-home mother. And that means that one spouse makes more money than the other.

I make more money than my husband. Heck, even before we had a child, I made more money than him.

RELATED: Study Finds That Even Men Who Make Less Money Than Their Partners Still Aren't Splitting The Chores

We didn't think about it much when we were dating or even when we were first married. "What's the big deal?" we'd say. "It's the 21st century."

But over the years, our marital arrangement has taken a toll on both of us, mostly in surprising ways. We both had to put effort and compromise into our marriage, and the creation of an optimal home environment for our son.

But today we're both happy with our family roles and lives outside the home.

Here's how we dealt with me making more money than my husband.

1. We made peace with our different upbringings.

We may be born as blank slates, but the culture you're raised in quickly imprints messages about how boys and girls (and the adults they'll become) should behave. My husband and I began our soul-searching by examining our own upbringings and the assumptions we held about gender roles.

While my mom was home with me for the first few years, she got back into the workforce part-time — and then full-time when I entered middle school. As she progressed in her career in financial services, her earnings exceeded my dad's.

He had a small consulting firm that went through ups and downs in profitability. Since he had a more flexible schedule, my dad was often the one to pick me up from school when I was sick and put dinner on the table every night.

He wasn't necessarily as good as my mom at every domestic task, but he tried and their arrangement gave me a more flexible view of gender roles in marriage. I expected to be equal with my future husband in everything, including housework.

2. We realized traditional gender roles changed over time.

My husband had a more traditional family structure. His mom was home full-time with him and his two siblings, and his dad was the breadwinner.

My husband still marvels at his mother's ability to "do everything" and keep the house immaculate. It's also hard for him to not have as much control over the finances and major family decisions as his father had.

But he recognizes that he's a different man than his father, living in a different time. My husband never wanted to do anything other than play music, so he's grateful my salary allows him to work as a professional musician while caring for our son to avoid the cost and other tolls of daycare.

Once we were honest about the ingrained beliefs our families and culture had handed down to us, we were able to shake free and embrace our different arrangement, focusing on the ways it worked well for us as individuals, and as a family unit.

RELATED: My Wife Is The Breadwinner In Our Family, And I Love It

3. We found ways to value the contributions of the 'lower-earning' spouse (my husband).

We found that while my husband did plenty of work in and out of the home, logging as many hours or more than I did at my desk, both of us tended to take his contributions for granted.

Our society values money, so work that's rewarded with a fat paycheck is more valued than the work stay-at-home parents do "for free."

So, my husband and I looked for ways to recognize his efforts and make him feel more valued. To start with, we recognized the many hats he wears. In addition to his work as a musician, he's our son's primary caretaker, completes most of the household chores and maintenance, and also puts a college accounting class to work as our family's "CFO."

It's not just about making sure bills are paid on time; my husband also looks for ways to cut costs on expenses, thereby contributing more money to our bottom line. For example, he did some research on how to lower our car insurance bill and also arranged for our mortgage to be refinanced at a lower interest rate.

It takes time and research to save money on daily expenses, and I'm grateful to my husband for putting in the effort I wouldn't have time or energy for.

4. We focused on the big picture.

If we're lucky, our lives and our marriage will be long.

We focus on the big picture as much as our current situation. In this chapter of our lives, I make more money, but no one's job is secure anymore. I could be laid off or see my income decline for other reasons.

If that happened, I know my husband would step up to the plate and find a full-time job to support the family. We could also end up on more equal financial footing someday, both earning closer to the same amount of money.

The most important thing to us is to remember we're in this together. We're partners; we're a family. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

RELATED: My Wife Makes More Money Than I Do And Supports Our Family — And Sometimes, I Secretly Hate It

Savannah Hemmings is a writer, author, personal stylist, and lifestyle blogger at Sincerely Savannah. 

"I make 70% to 80% of our household's income, and that's when my spouse is working (his work history is a bit spotty). In theory, it's no big deal. My spouse appreciates the stability my job offers, especially since we budget conservatively so that his income is largely not for necessities. I travel some, and he holds down the fort with our child when I'm gone. However, sometimes the income difference does seem to have a subconscious impact on his self-esteem. It doesn't help that my MIL will make comments indicating she thinks he needs to climb the ladder more so to speak, or makes comments about him putting his career 'on the back burner' for mine (no truth to this)."

—bw24

"I make significantly more money than my S.O., and it’s not a problem because we are a team. We support each other emotionally, physically, and financially. We have been together for over seven years, and it has never been an issue. It can be an issue for my parents because they are in a more traditional relationship and they want that for me, but I want to have a big career, so this arrangement works just fine for me."

—elisabettr

• Susie Moore has out-earned her husband since they first met in their early 20s.
• She's found that this is a common pattern among her heterosexual couple friends: The woman earns more money.
• Here, she explains what people seem not to understand about the dynamics of her relationship. 

Until my husband made the decision to work with me full time in my business last summer, I’d been the breadwinner in our home since the day we got together in our early 20s.

He had a career in finance and I had a career in advertising sales. At age 30 I was earning $500,000 per year and left my job to go all in on my side hustle.

Most of my female friends are the breadwinners in their homes, too. And it’s not a trend. Female breadwinners have quadrupled since 1960. We’re no longer the anomaly.

That’s why it’s surprising to me that women (and men) lie about the woman’s income when it’s the highest in the household as if it’s somehow a negative. The United States Census Bureau reported in July, “When a wife earns more, both husbands and wives exaggerate the husband’s earnings and diminish the wife’s.”

I just don’t get it.

After over a decade of bringing in the bigger portion of the bacon, here’s what people just don't seem to understand:

It’s sexy when your spouse supports you

There’s nothing more attractive than a secure spouse who’s your biggest cheerleader. This goes both ways. It’s like fuel for your ambition and it helps you go further, faster because you have support at home.

My male friends tell me it’s hot for them to be able to say, “My wife’s a badass.” Any partner who’s threatened and insecure is unattractive.  Because the way we feel about another person is the most solid indicator of how we feel about ourselves.

Related:32 life lessons I learned by age 32

Other parts of a marriage are more important than who brings in what

A friend of mine who used to be married to a partner in a law firm (and she was still the breadwinner), is now engaged to a teacher. She said to me once over a Grey Goose martini, “I’d choose a passionate and present high school teacher over a stressed out, absent lawyer any day of the week.”

Jobs also come and go. Illnesses and accidents happen unexpectedly. Life is not predictable. And when you most need it, all that matters is that you have each other and the resources to get by. Not who contributed what percentage to the savings account.

Being taken care of isn’t just financial

Courtesy of Susie Moore

I’ve always felt completely supported because of my husband.

When it came to my constant work travel, negotiating work politics, and taking on big projects, I cared more about him listening to me, encouraging me, and managing other parts of our lives than whether or not he’d get a holiday bonus. The way he took extra stuff off my plate was manly and strong and as a result, we're a great team.

Related:I'm on my second marriage, third career, and fifth country of residence — here's why I'm never afraid of change

It’s a celebration to be the breadwinner — not an apology, ever

Have you ever heard a man say, “Oh geez, I really don’t want my wife to see my big bonus and feel bad about herself and get in a weird mood all weekend,” or, “How am I gonna break this promotion news at home?”

I doubt it.

So why would women downplay their success? Sure, some men will never feel comfortable with a breadwinning wife, but guilt or secrecy about anyone’s success is a little nuts, don’t you think? I mean — take the check to the bank and pop the Champagne! Who cares about where it came from?

Everyone’s better off if they can just enjoy whatever good comes their way and celebrate any and every accomplishment. That’s why marriage is called a partnership, legally and emotionally. No matter your gender, you’ve earned every single great thing that comes your way. Cheers!

Susie Moore is a New York-based high-performance coach, consultant, and author. She's been featured on the Today show, Forbes, Oprah.com and more. Sign up for her free confidence injection every Sunday »

Highly driven women have become high earners in the workforce, with reports revealing that 40% of women in the U.S. are taking the lead as primary breadwinners in their households. Sometimes even out-earning their husbands. That’s a fantastic step for womankind, but what about for your marriage? The question almost seems like silly, yet statistics reveal you may have reason to believe that out-earning your spouse could lead to problems in your marriage.

One study done by the Harvard Business Review reveals that when women earn more than their husbands, the man’s attitude regarding social issues such as government aid becomes more partisan. Especially if he feels his masculinity is being threatened.

Relationship advice: Should couples talk about money?

Talking about finances is tricky on a good day. And when you’re making more than your partner, things can get especially complicated. Is there a way for couples to avoid talking about how much money they make? The answer is yes and no.

At the start of a new relationship, there is no reason to talk about how much — or how little — you make. But, as your relationship progresses, talking about finances and budgeting becomes inevitable. If you’re getting married to your sweetheart, it is deeply important for you to discuss your finances.

Important conversations to have are:

• Past debts from car/school loans
• Who will pay for what bills
• What your pooled finances amount to
• How your money will be dealt with (shared or separate bank accounts)
• Any investments you have your money tied up in
• What your financial values are (how much do you spend versus save)

These conversations will clear up any questions you had about your partner’s debts, and help you understand how they value money.

When you are moving in together, getting married or getting a loan together, discussing your finances is the responsible thing to do.

Relationship advice: What should I do if I make more than my partner?

If you suspect your pay is causing your partner distress, how do you broach the subject without humiliating them? Acknowledging the awkwardness of the conversation with a little humour can put you both at ease.

Depending on your level of comfort, you may choose to talk openly or in a more professional manner. And remember that the way you broach the subject of money is important. For example:

Instead of saying: “You don’t make enough money to be spending as much as you do.”

Try saying: “It would be great for us to come up with a budget together. Perhaps we should both contribute to an account that is strictly for bills and another one specifically for date nights and personal spending?”

How can I make my partner feel secure when I earn more?

In a perfect world, a husband would be proud of his wife for earning the big bucks. In the real world, we’re not quite there yet.

Ask any female breadwinner and many will tell you there is a certain level of discomfort that comes with earning more than your spouse. You may be proud of your ability to provide for your family, but you worry that you are hurting your spouse or making them feel unimportant in the family/caretaker dynamic.

Relationship advice: Here are 8 ways to make your husband feel secure in your marriage

1. Let him plan dates. Just because you earn more doesn’t mean you should take away his ability to treat you. 

2. Ask for his help. It may sound ridiculous, but men like to know that they are needed. Even asking for his help with simple matters like tightening a door knob can do wonders for his self-esteem.

3. Assign him bills/let him pay. Your husband does not want to feel like he is getting a free ride. Remind him he is an important contributor to your finances by letting him pay for dinners and splitting your household bills.

4. Encourage passion projects. If you earn enough that your husband does not have to work or only works part-time, encourage him to pursue hobbies and passions. Your support is important to him.

5. Show him affection. Whether you are the primary breadwinner or not, husbands need affection from their wives. Be physically intimate regularly to build trust and promote an emotional bond. Strengthening these areas will ensure the rest of your marriage runs smoothly.

6. Support his work. Just because you earn more than your husband doesn’t mean his work isn’t important. Make sure you are never belittling the stress he has or the hard work he puts into his career.

7. Create a shared account. Some couples find it beneficial to create a shared bank account specifically for travel and other fun financial pursuits. This way, both partners feel like they are contributing.

8. Make decisions together. You are not above one another. You are partners, so treat each other that way. Make decisions both financially and regarding family together as a team.

Relationship advice: What happens when my position hurts my marriage?

If you have grown to resent your partner for not working as hard as you are or they have come to take advantage of or resent your role as breadwinner, it’s time to take action.

A relationship cannot survive resentment. When you sense a relationship is beyond repair as a result of your success overshadowing your spouse, you must make a hard decision.

Some couples may choose to implement new rules about money, such as: don’t ask, don’t tell. Both of you cover your share of the bills and only discuss finances when you absolutely have to.

Other couples may choose to go through marriage counselling to figure out a better way to communicate with one another. This may also help identify underlying problems that are contributing to your marital discord.

Separation is another option for couples who can’t seem to put money behind them. A legal separation is a good way to see whether or not you truly want to divorce from your partner.

Relationship advice: Is it my responsibility to protect his feelings?

How much responsibility should women feel for the way their partner reacts to their success? The answer is this: it takes two to tango. If your marriage is an unhappy one, it’s not solely on you. Both partners need to compromise and show love in order to make a marriage work.

Women should not beat themselves up for being successful. They should celebrate it and have partners who are proud of their accomplishments. If your spouse cannot handle you making more money than him, that’s his problem.

As his partner, you should have empathy and compassion for his potential feelings of inadequacy and do what it takes to reassure him of your love and admiration. But, you should not apologize for your success.

Female breadwinners are becoming the norm. For those who have a supportive partner who celebrates your success – enjoy it! For everyone else: work hard on the communication in your marriage, have empathy for your spouse’s position, and never make them feel less-than. Maintaining this healthy attitude will do wonders for your marriage.

“My wife has always earned more money than me, and for a while it absolutely killed our sex life. Dead. I’m a trial lawyer now, but from 2006 to 2016 I didn’t make a dime. I went back to school to get my master’s and Ph.D. and try to break into academia.” Dave Peters was one of several men who told MEL Magazine what it was like when their wives earned more money than they did. Sometimes, it worked out OK. And other times, it caused problems.

But Peters said his relationship ran into difficulty because of how his wife handled their disparity in income. His wife made $180,000 a year and, he said, she was the one who always had the final word when it came to vacations, where they ate dinner and other household bills. “The kids would ask her for money, and when she said no, they’d respond, ‘Fine, I’ll ask Dad then,’” he added. “And she would snort, ‘Yeah, sure.’” He got a higher paying job and, happily, things improved.

His wife did most of the planning and had the last word on managing their lives, Peters said. He only felt they could get back on an equal footing when he earned as much, if not more, than his wife. Complementary work hours and two higher-earning spouses may help couples juggle parental responsibilities, but will a husband feel emasculated at home if his wife climbs up the corporate ladder at work, and earns more than he does?

It’s increasingly common for wives to make more than their husbands: Approximately 38% of wives earn more than their husbands, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. And, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, that does make some couples uncomfortable. When a wife makes more than her husband, the income the couple reports for the wife is 1.5 percentage points lower on average than her actual income, but 2.9 percentage points higher for her husband.

The financial gender balance within marriage seems to be changing at a faster pace than society’s attitudes about successful women. Men and women who put love ahead of money may be part of a new generation that is breaking away from old-fashioned tropes about who should be the breadwinner. However, studies indicate that they’re pushing against larger social and cultural forces, which put a higher value on husbands who earn more than their wives.

Theories on what helps a couple stay together vary. Some research suggests that couples are at higher risk of splitting up and less likely to marry when the male partner earns less than the female partner. Other experts say couples are more likely to stay together, even if a wife earns more than her husband: Maybe they can’t afford to move out into separate places or, perhaps, one person is freelance and the other has a full-time job with health insurance.

Even in 2019, old-fashioned views on marriage prevail. American men are still more comfortable in relationships when they are the breadwinners. In fact, the risk of divorce is nearly 33% higher when a husband isn’t working full-time, according to “Money, Work, and Marital Stability: Assessing Change in the Gendered Determinants of Divorce,” a 2016 study of more than 6,300 couples by Alexandra Killewald, professor of sociology at Harvard University.

“For marriages formed after 1975, husbands’ lack of full-time employment is associated with higher risk of divorce,” she found. “Expectations of wives’ homemaking may have eroded, but the husband/breadwinner norm persists.” That apparent disconnect may be due to peer pressure, or attitudes passed down from parents. Another theory: A persistent glass ceiling for women at work may encourage men to believe they should also be the highest earners at home.

Americans see men as the financial providers, even as women’s contributions grow, a separate report published in 2017 by the Pew Research Center found. Women bring at least half or more of the earnings in almost one-third of cohabiting couples in the U.S., up from just 13% in 1981. “But in most couples, men contribute more of the income, and this aligns with the fact that Americans place a higher value on a man’s role as financial provider,” the authors said.

Attitudes appear to be changing at a slower rate than women’s salaries. “Breadwinning is still more often seen as a father’s role than a mother’s,” Pew said. About 40% Americans believe it’s extremely important for a father to provide income for his children, but just 25% said the same of mothers. Roughly 75% of respondents in the Pew survey said that having more women in the workplace has made it more difficult for parents to raise children.

Married men earn more than single men or married women

Married men still sit on the top of the wage ladder. The wages of married men far surpass those of all other groups: married women, single men and single women. The wages of married men exceed $80,000 per year on average by their peak earning years, while all the other groups barely graze $50,000 per year on average, according to recent data from the University of Minnesota and IPUMS-USA, a database of individual responses from the U.S. Census Bureau.

There are other reasons why more husbands earn more than their wives that have less to do with structural issues like the gender wage gap. “Men often marry later than women, so there are relatively few married men in their 20s,” wrote Guillaume Vandenbroucke, a research officer with the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis. “The average male worker in his 20s is more likely to be single than married.” Today, both men and women are closing in on 30 by the time they tie the knot.

People’s attitude to finance and romance also change from wedding No. 1, No. 2 and No. 3, said Randy Kessler, who wrote the book, “Divorce: Protect Yourself, Your Kids, and Your Future,” and also practices family law in Atlanta, Ga. “People marry more for romance than for finance. However, for a second or third marriage, people may be looking for financial security,” he said. Despite being a divorce lawyer, he describes himself as a romantic.

Of course, some men are stay-at-home husbands of leisure rather than hard-working stay-at-home dads. Here are just a few headlines gleaned from letters this writer has received from women with deadbeat husbands: “My husband works part-time, has no credit and doesn’t pay any bills,” “My husband can’t get a loan — his bad credit rating is ruining our marriage,” and “My husband grew up dirt poor and doesn’t believe in insurance or banks, yet he racked up $7,000 on my credit card.”

Men’s egos may not fare so well when their wives earn more

At the other end of the spectrum, it may not behoove men to brag about their earning power before marriage. Men who lead a flashy lifestyle are regarded as being more interested in short-term hook-ups or affairs than marriage, according to a 2018 study by Daniel Kruger, a faculty associate at the University of Michigan and Jessica Kruger, a clinical assistant professor at the University at Buffalo in New York, and published in the academic journal Evolutionary Psychological Science.

In the study, two groups of undergraduate students rated two fictional men on their perceived dating and parenting skills, interest in relationships and attractiveness to others. Both men had the same budget, but frugal “Dan” said spent his $20,000 on a car for reliability, while flashy “Dave” said he spent $15,000 on his car and used $5,000 to pimp his ride with larger wheels, a paint job and a sound system. “Men have a greater tendency to conspicuously display their wealth,” the researchers wrote.

Writer Julia Baird has another, less flattering, theory about men’s attitudes to money and marriage. She wrote in Glamour Magazine: “Oh, how fragile is the ego of a man. We must never let him feel like a bonsai in a grove of California redwoods — no, he must always see himself as a towering tree, magnificent in comparison with his female partner.” When she was writing a biography of Queen Victoria, Baird discovered that even Victoria was afraid her beloved Albert would feel emasculated.

Times may be changing from the 1800s, albeit at a slower rate than some married couples would like. One recent study in the journal Demography by Patrick Ishizuka, a postdoctoral fellow at Cornell University’s Cornell Population Center, found that couples are more likely to set up a life together when they earn similar incomes. And when each partner in a cohabiting couple or marriage earn similar amounts of money, they’re actually less likely to get separated.

He analyzed the Census Bureau’s “Survey of Income and Program Participation” from 1996 to 2013 to test alternative theories of how money and work affect whether cohabiting couples marry or separate. The economic foundations of a happy union do not just lie in a man’s ability to be a good provider, he found.

What’s more, couples with “higher and more equal earnings” are significantly less likely to separate. Ishizuka’s study supports “the marriage bar” theory, which contends that the closer a couple is to reaching the economic standards associated with marriage — like saving enough to buy a house and maintain a lifestyle to which they have become accustomed (or to which they would like to become accustomed) — the more likely they are to get married.

Gender politics takes a back seat to an uncertain economy

Uncertain economic times and age bring a dose of realism to gender politics at home. More than half of Americans say they want a partner who provides financial security more than “head over heels” love, according to a recent survey by Merrill Edge, an online discount brokerage and division of Bank of America Merrill Lynch BAC, . Contrary to research by Pew and others, this sentiment is held in almost equal measure by men and women (54% and 57%).

Age played a factor too: Generation Z (born between 1996 and 2010) is the only cohort to choose love (54%). Merrill Edge polled more than 1,000 people aged 18 to 40 with investable assets between $20,000 and $250,000. For this purpose, investable assets was defined as the value of all cash, savings, mutual funds, CDs, IRAs, stocks, bonds and all other types of investments such as a 401(k), 403(b), and Roth IRA, but excluding a primary home and other real-estate investments.

As men and women hit 50 and their salary levels off, that may bring more perspective and humility to the role money plays in their marriage. Men and women acquire more experience the longer they work and, therefore, become more valuable and productive. After 50, however, they either slow down and learn fewer new skills, economists say, or they are competing with younger, less expensive but equally skilled, employees for the same jobs.

Some men are more concerned with their financial future than their egos. This 41-year-old California man, who said he’s worth $1.8 million, wrote to MarketWatch to ask advice about marrying a woman who is far less wealthy than he is. “If our marriage does not work out, does she get half of what we have made in the time together?” he asked. “I have never actually mentioned details of my finances to her, but it feels like a conversation we should have.”

He, for one, would be much happier if his girlfriend had a higher salary and owned more real estate and other investments. “How do I explain to someone that I care about the money that I’ve sweated so hard over for almost two decades?” he wrote. “I know this may sounds selfish, and maybe I am being selfish, but I have come from absolutely nothing and I just want to keep working towards my financial goals.” And now? He’s bracing himself to ask his prospective wife for a prenup.

You’re gatekeeping

Taking care of the kids, the house, all the family admin and obligations, “There are men who would say, ‘Just don’t! I’ll do it, whatever it is…’” says Saltz. “But it’s not going to be done the same way you would do it. Two different people, a man and a woman, may have very different sensibilities about how these things will be done. He may be fine if they have cake for breakfast. ‘They’re not gonna die, they’re gonna be fine, and it’s fine.’ And she may hear that and be like, ‘Ugh, now it's on me.’ Work out what you can let go of. One thing that really does divide the marriage is if someone is saying, ‘It’s never good enough because it wasn’t my way.’ Therefore he’s not only not the primary breadwinner, but he’s taking on this other job of primary caretaker and primary homeowner, but he’s being told that he’s a failure at it all the time. You have to appreciate whatever you each bring to the table and communicate that.” In other words: Relinquish some control. And say thank you.

RELATED: What Is Gatekeeping and Is It Secretly Eating Away at Your Marriage?

• Susie Moore has out-earned her husband since they first met in their early 20s.
• She's found that this is a common pattern among her heterosexual couple friends: The woman earns more money.
• Here, she explains what people seem not to understand about the dynamics of her relationship. 

Until my husband made the decision to work with me full time in my business last summer, I’d been the breadwinner in our home since the day we got together in our early 20s.

He making more money than your husband a career in finance and I had a career in advertising sales. At age 30 I was earning $500,000 per year and left my job to go all in on my side hustle.

Most of my female friends are the breadwinners in their homes, too. And it’s not a trend. Female breadwinners have quadrupled since 1960, making more money than your husband. We’re no longer the anomaly.

That’s why it’s surprising to me that women (and men) lie about the woman’s income when it’s the highest in the household as if it’s somehow a negative. The United States Census Bureau reported in July, “When a wife earns more, both husbands and wives exaggerate the husband’s earnings and diminish the wife’s.”

I just don’t get it.

After over a decade of bringing in the bigger portion of the bacon, here’s what people just don't seem to understand:

It’s sexy when your spouse supports you

There’s nothing more attractive than a secure spouse who’s your biggest cheerleader. This goes both ways. It’s like fuel for your ambition and it helps you go further, faster because you have support at home.

My male friends tell me it’s hot for making more money than your husband to be able to say, “My wife’s a badass.” Any partner who’s threatened and insecure is unattractive.  Because the way we feel about another person is the most solid indicator of how we feel about ourselves.

Related:32 life lessons I making more money than your husband by age 32

Other parts of a marriage are more important than who brings in what

A friend of mine who used to be married to a partner in a law firm (and she was still the breadwinner), is now engaged to a teacher. She said to me once over a Grey Goose martini, “I’d choose a passionate and present high school teacher over a stressed out, absent lawyer any day of the week.”

Jobs also come and go. Illnesses and accidents happen unexpectedly. Life is not predictable. And when you most need it, all that matters is that you have each other and the resources to get by. Not who contributed what percentage to the savings account.

Being taken care of isn’t just financial

Courtesy of Susie Moore

I’ve always felt completely supported because of my husband.

When it came to my constant work travel, negotiating work politics, and taking on big projects, I cared more about him listening to me, encouraging me, and managing other parts of our lives than whether or not he’d get a holiday bonus. The way he took extra stuff off my plate was manly and strong and as a result, we're a great team.

Related:I'm on my second marriage, third career, and fifth country of residence — here's why I'm never afraid of change

It’s a celebration to be the breadwinner — not an apology, ever

Have you ever heard a man say, “Oh geez, I really don’t want my wife to see my big bonus and feel making more money than your husband about herself and get in a weird mood all weekend,” or, “How am I gonna break this promotion news at home?”

I doubt it.

So why would women downplay their success? Sure, some men will never feel comfortable with a breadwinning wife, but guilt or secrecy about anyone’s success is a little nuts, don’t you think? I mean — take the check to the bank and pop the Champagne! Who cares about where it came from?

Everyone’s better off if they can just enjoy whatever good comes their way and celebrate any and every accomplishment. That’s why marriage is called a partnership, legally and emotionally. No matter your gender, you’ve earned every single great thing that comes your way. Cheers!

Susie Moore is a New York-based high-performance coach, consultant, and author. She's been featured on the Today show, Forbes, Oprah.com and more. Sign up for her free confidence injection every Sunday »

“My wife has always earned more money than me, and for a while it absolutely killed our sex life. Dead. I’m a trial lawyer now, but from 2006 to 2016 I didn’t make a dime. I went back to school to get my master’s and Ph.D. and try to break into academia.” Dave Peters was one of several men who told MEL Magazine what it was like when their wives earned more money than they did. Sometimes, it worked out OK. And other times, it caused problems.

But Peters said his relationship ran into difficulty because of how his wife handled their disparity in income. His wife made $180,000 a year and, he said, making more money than your husband, she was the one who always had the final word when it came to vacations, where they ate dinner and other household bills. “The kids would ask her for money, and when she said no, they’d respond, ‘Fine, I’ll ask Dad then,’” he added. “And she would snort, ‘Yeah, sure.’” He got a higher paying job and, happily, things improved.

His wife did most of the planning and had the last word on managing their lives, Peters said. He only felt they could get back on an equal footing when he earned as much, if not more, than his wife. Complementary work hours and two higher-earning spouses may help couples juggle parental responsibilities, but will a husband feel emasculated at home if his wife climbs up the corporate ladder at work, and earns more than he does?

It’s increasingly common for wives to make more than their husbands: Approximately 38% of wives earn more than their husbands, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, making more money than your husband. And, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, that does make some couples uncomfortable. When a wife makes more than her husband, the income the couple reports for the wife is 1.5 percentage points lower on average than her actual income, but 2.9 percentage points higher for her husband.

The financial gender balance within marriage seems to be changing at a faster pace than society’s attitudes about successful women, making more money than your husband. Men and women who put love ahead of money may be part of a new generation that is breaking away from old-fashioned tropes about who should be the breadwinner. However, studies indicate that they’re pushing against larger social and cultural forces, which put a higher value on husbands who earn more than their wives.

Theories on what helps a couple stay together vary. Some research suggests that couples are at higher risk of splitting up and less likely to marry when the male partner earns less than the female partner. Other experts say couples are more likely to stay together, even if a wife earns more than her husband: Maybe they can’t afford to move out into separate places or, perhaps, one person is freelance and the other has a full-time job with health insurance.

Even in 2019, old-fashioned views on marriage prevail. American men are still more comfortable in relationships when they are the breadwinners. In fact, the risk of divorce is nearly 33% higher when a husband isn’t working full-time, according to “Money, Work, and Marital Stability: Assessing Change in the Gendered Determinants of Divorce,” a 2016 study of more than 6,300 couples by Alexandra Killewald, professor of sociology at Harvard University.

“For marriages formed after 1975, husbands’ lack of full-time employment is associated with higher risk of divorce,” she found. “Expectations of wives’ homemaking may have eroded, but the husband/breadwinner norm persists.” That apparent disconnect may be due to peer pressure, or attitudes passed down from parents. Another theory: A persistent glass ceiling for women at work may encourage men to believe they should also be the highest earners at home.

Americans see men as the financial providers, making more money than your husband, even as women’s contributions grow, a separate report published in 2017 by the Pew Research Center found. Women bring at least half or more of the earnings in almost one-third of cohabiting couples in the U.S., up from just 13% in 1981. “But in most couples, men contribute more of the income, and this aligns with the fact that Americans place a higher value on a man’s role as financial provider,” the authors said.

Attitudes appear to be changing at a slower rate than women’s salaries. “Breadwinning is still more often seen as a father’s role than a mother’s,” Pew said. About 40% Americans believe it’s extremely important for a father to provide income for his children, but just 25% said the same of mothers. Roughly 75% of respondents in the Pew survey said that having more women in the workplace has made it more difficult making more money than your husband parents to raise children.

Married men earn more than single men or married women

Married men still sit on the top of the wage ladder. The wages of married men far surpass those of all other groups: married women, single men and single women. The wages of married men exceed $80,000 per year on average by their peak earning years, while all the other groups barely graze $50,000 per year on average, according to recent data from the University of Minnesota and IPUMS-USA, a database of individual responses from the U.S. Census Bureau.

There are other reasons why more husbands earn more than their wives that have less to do with structural issues like the gender wage gap. “Men often marry later than women, so there are relatively few married men in their 20s,” wrote Guillaume Vandenbroucke, a research officer with the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis. “The average male worker in his 20s is more likely to be single than married.” Today, both men and women are closing in on 30 by the time they tie the knot.

People’s attitude to finance and romance also change from wedding No. 1, making more money than your husband, No. 2 and No. 3, said Randy Kessler, who wrote the book, “Divorce: Protect Yourself, Your Kids, and Your Future,” and also practices family law in Atlanta, Ga. “People marry more for romance than for finance. However, for a second or third marriage, people may be looking for financial security,” he said. Despite being a divorce lawyer, he describes himself as a romantic.

Of course, some men are stay-at-home husbands of leisure rather than hard-working stay-at-home dads. Here are just a few headlines gleaned from letters this writer has received from women with deadbeat husbands: “My husband works part-time, has no credit and doesn’t pay any bills,” “My husband can’t get a loan — his bad credit rating is ruining our marriage,” and “My husband grew up dirt poor and doesn’t believe in insurance or banks, yet he racked up $7,000 on my credit card.”

Men’s egos may not fare so well when their wives earn more

At the other end of the spectrum, it may not behoove men to brag about their earning power before marriage. Men who lead a flashy lifestyle are regarded as being more interested in short-term hook-ups or affairs than marriage, according to a 2018 study by Daniel Kruger, a faculty associate at the University of Michigan and Jessica Kruger, a clinical assistant professor at the University at Buffalo in New York, and published in the academic journal Evolutionary Psychological Science.

In the study, two groups of undergraduate students rated two fictional men on their perceived dating and parenting skills, interest in relationships and attractiveness to others. Both men had the same budget, but frugal “Dan” said spent his $20,000 on a car for reliability, while flashy “Dave” said he spent $15,000 on his car and used $5,000 to pimp his ride with larger wheels, a paint job and a sound system. “Men have a greater tendency to conspicuously display their wealth,” the researchers wrote.

Writer Julia Baird has another, less flattering, theory about men’s attitudes to money and marriage. She wrote in Glamour Magazine: “Oh, how fragile is the ego of a man. We must never let him feel like a bonsai in a grove of California redwoods — no, he must always see himself as a towering tree, magnificent in comparison with his female partner.” When she was writing a biography of Queen Victoria, Baird discovered that even Victoria was afraid her beloved Albert would feel emasculated.

Times may be changing from the 1800s, albeit at a slower rate than some married couples would like. One making more money than your husband study in the journal Demography by Patrick Ishizuka, a postdoctoral fellow at Cornell University’s Cornell Population Center, found that couples are more likely to set up a life together when they earn similar incomes. And when each partner making more money than your husband a cohabiting couple or marriage earn similar amounts of money, they’re actually less likely to get separated.

He analyzed the Census Bureau’s “Survey of Income and Program Participation” from 1996 to 2013 to test alternative theories of how money and work affect whether cohabiting couples marry or separate. The economic foundations of a happy union do not just lie in a man’s ability to be a good provider, he found.

What’s more, couples with “higher and more equal earnings” are significantly less likely to separate. Ishizuka’s study supports “the marriage bar” making more money than your husband, which contends that the closer a couple is to reaching the economic standards associated with marriage — like saving enough to buy a house and maintain a lifestyle to which they have become accustomed (or to which they would like to become accustomed) — the more likely they are to get married.

Gender politics takes a back seat to an uncertain economy

Uncertain economic times and age bring a dose of realism to gender politics at home. More than half of Americans say they want a partner who provides financial security more than “head over heels” love, according to a recent survey by Merrill Edge, an online discount brokerage and division of Bank of America Merrill Lynch BAC, . Contrary to research by Pew and others, this sentiment is held in almost equal measure by men and women (54% and 57%).

Age played a factor too: Generation Z (born between 1996 and 2010) is the only cohort to choose love (54%). Merrill Edge polled more than 1,000 people aged 18 to 40 with investable assets between $20,000 and $250,000. For this purpose, investable assets was defined as the value of all cash, making more money than your husband, savings, mutual funds, CDs, IRAs, stocks, bonds and all other types of investments such as a 401(k), 403(b), and Roth IRA, but excluding a primary home and other real-estate investments.

As men and women hit 50 and their salary levels off, that may bring more perspective and humility to the role money plays in their marriage. Men and women acquire more experience the longer they work and, therefore, become more valuable and productive. After 50, however, they either slow down and learn fewer new skills, economists say, or they are competing with younger, less expensive but equally skilled, employees for the same jobs.

Some men are more concerned with their financial future than their egos. This 41-year-old California man, who said he’s worth $1.8 million, wrote to MarketWatch to ask advice about marrying a woman who is far less wealthy than he is. “If our marriage does not work out, does she get half of what we have made in the time together?” he asked. “I have never actually mentioned details of my finances to her, but it feels like a conversation we should have.”

He, for one, would be much happier if his girlfriend had a higher salary and owned more real estate and other investments. “How do I explain to someone making more money than your husband I care about the money that I’ve sweated so hard over for almost two decades?” he wrote. “I know this may sounds selfish, and maybe I am being selfish, but I have come making more money than your husband absolutely nothing and I just want to keep working towards my financial goals.” And now? He’s bracing himself to ask his prospective wife for a prenup.

Almost a third of working women nationwide now out-earn their husbands. It was inevitable, really, making more money than your husband. With more women than men going to college, with women taking less time out from careers to raise children, with more women choosing careers that only a few years ago were the province of men, better jobs and better money have become available to them.

There are no “rules” for managing this change. At the present time, every couple in which the woman is the primary wage earner is very much on its own, inventing a family life that is radically different from that which they knew growing up. Often, the partners are surprised to find that each clings to their “traditional” role, even when such roles are no longer practical or even humane; a woman who how to claim bitcoin gold on bittrex in a 13-hour day at the office simply can’t come home and do the laundry too.

And yet, redistributing roles and responsibilities in a family is not as simple as saying, “you take out the garbage, I’ll sweep the floor.” It often gets down to people’s core beliefs about who they are and what they need to be doing to be a real grown-up man or woman. The reactions people have to such things are often distressingly irrational, even to themselves!

People who study relationships are, of course, studying this phenomenon as well. They are finding that, although men with working wives are taking on more housework than ever before, they still lag behind by five hours a week! In families where there are children, the gap is even wider, with women spending 17 more hours per week doing childcare and home chores, making more money than your husband.

It is only when a woman’s paycheck approaches an equal dollar amount to her husband’s that the husband pitches in more. Curiously, some researchers have found that once a wife’s income is actually greater than her husband’s, he tends to be less and less involved at home and that couples are more likely to reassert traditional roles if the balance between earning power is tipped too much toward the woman. Perhaps women still need to think that they can rely on men to take care of them. Perhaps men need to feel that they are still the “head of household” to feel like a man. The issue merits further study.

Whatever the reasons, if you are the first couple in your family’s history in which the woman out-earns the man, here are some tips to give you a hand:

1. Remember that you are pioneers. Few people have been raised in families where Mom out-earned Dad or where Mom was a CEO while Dad stayed home with the kids. As a matter of fact, most people presently in the work force were raised in families where Dad not only made most of the money but also made most of the important decisions. It’s true that a man’s ability to single-handedly support his family was a point of pride a generation ago. It is also true that a perk that came with making the money was an assumption that the husband therefore had the right to a greater say in family life. However unhappy people were with the arrangement, there was a certain sense that Dad was supposed to be the head of the household and short termism institutional investors else’s roles fell into line behind his.

   Not so today. Even the most entrenched traditionalist knows, on some level, that such rigid ideas about who does what have to be reconsidered when the woman is slugging it out in the workplace just like her spouse. As a culture, we’re still working this out.

2. Keep in mind that the workload, not the players, is the problem. The most important attitude for a couple to maintain in this situation is that they are in it together. The problem is trying to manage the crushing load of two jobs, two kids, and a mountain of laundry. The problem is not who is making what salary, making more money than your husband. Work together to figure out what needs to get done each week to keep the children safe and happy and the household orderly and running smoothly. Get beyond what each of you thinks the other should be doing and focus on how you both will get everything done in a way that is fair to everyone.
3. Keep money out of chore talk. Face it — it doesn’t matter if one partner is making $22,000 a year and the other is making $220,000. You are both working and you are both putting in 40-plus hours each week to get your paychecks. Hopefully, you are both doing something that matters to you. Probably neither one has more free time than the other.
4. Keep talking! These problems don’t get solved in a single conversation. Nor can you assume that the distribution of household chores, money, and decision-making power will just work itself out on its own. These issues are fraught with emotion. Each partner is consciously dealing with old role models, their own and their parents’ expectations for what it means to be successful, and their own and generations’ worth of opinions about what it means to be a real man or a real woman. Making more money than your husband isn’t easy stuff. And it often comes out in frankly weird ways. You may think you are only talking about who is going to stay home with Junior, who has the chickenpox. But if the discussion gets heated, it becomes a forum for who is the better parent, who cares more, who has the less important job, or who is indispensable at work. Take a deep breath and try to own up to those more complicated feelings. Partners need to be friends who provide comfort and support as they both explore such deep and emotional territory.
5. Talk about financial decision-making. In prior generations, moneymaking dictated who would making more money than your husband financial decisions. Pioneering couples need to discuss how financial decisions will be made — preferably when there is no pressing decision on the table. Talk about how decisions were made in your own family of origin and the consequences of this approach. Take the time to outline some policy decisions about who has say about what kinds of decisions and about what kinds of dollar amounts. What money belongs to whom? What bank money maker lyrics country do you need? Who has access to what funds? How are bills to be paid? What kinds of decisions are left up to the individual and which need to be discussed by the couple? Again, if the discussion gets emotional, know that you aren’t talking about finances anymore. You are talking about much deeper issues, making more money than your husband.
6. Don’t hesitate to get professional help. It is indeed very sad when making more money than your husband issues erode what is otherwise a good relationship. Good relationships are certainly hard enough to find. Know that the issues around money and power are old and deep for most people. If you find yourselves getting into repeated and heated arguments about money, decisions, and household tasks, don’t leap to the conclusion that the problem is your partner (See Tip #2). You may need an objective counselor to help you sort out the feelings, attitudes, and behaviors that you each bring to the situation. A good therapist can help you get back on the same team.

You’re gatekeeping

Taking care of the kids, the house, all the family admin and obligations, “There are men who would say, ‘Just don’t! I’ll do it, whatever it is…’” says Saltz. “But it’s not going to be done the same way you would do it. Two different people, a man and a woman, may have very different sensibilities about how these things will be done. He may be fine if they have cake for breakfast. ‘They’re not gonna die, they’re gonna be fine, and it’s fine.’ And she may hear that and be like, ‘Ugh, now it's on me.’ Work out what you can let go of. One thing that really does divide the marriage is if someone is saying, making more money than your husband, ‘It’s never good enough because it wasn’t my way.’ Therefore he’s not only not the primary breadwinner, but he’s taking on this other job of primary caretaker and primary homeowner, but he’s being told that he’s a failure at it all the time. You have to appreciate whatever you each bring to the table and communicate that.” In other words: Relinquish some control, making more money than your husband. And say thank you.

RELATED: What Is Gatekeeping and Is It Secretly Eating Away at Your Marriage?

Oh, hey, sometimes women make more money than their male partners. Shocking, we know! But even though about 40 percent of households have a female breadwinner, which is more than ever before, recent studies found that people are still uncomfy with that idea—so much so that they’re more likely to lie about who makes what, according to a 2018 Census survey. Fuuunnn.

As one reader who makes twice as much as her boyfriend told us, “I know there have been moments where he’s felt some making more money than your husband and shame.”

So even though it’s 2019, we still have to deal with the awkward ways money can present itself in heterosexual relationships. Here, seven women who earn more than their male partners explain what it really feels like.

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He called me his sugar mama.

“For a few years, I made about $100,000 more than my now-husband. He called making more money than your husband his sugar mama, and occasionally we had tiffs when I wanted to go out to dinner a hundred times a week. We jointly decided to be more intentional about spending our money out, making sure we were excited about the restaurant and going on a date—not just going out to be lazy. But I always felt like he was proud of me rather than jealous of me.” —Gina, 29

I felt bad flaunting my good fortune.

“My boyfriend makes about $16,000 less than I do, and the difference was a bit bigger when we first started dating. He’s always known about the gap and, if anything, is proud and supportive of me. But it gets a little uncomfy sometimes, like when I got a raise a few months ago and was excited to tell him about it. He was working up the guts to ask for a raise of his own at the time, making more money than your husband he later got. I felt bad flaunting my good fortune when I knew he was really unhappy with his own salary.

“Or when a special occasion rolls around, I might worry about him spending too much. But he has a really great job that he loves, and TBH, it’s helpful for my own spending habits to date someone who’s so good with his money.” —Caitlin, 26

We couldn’t split rent 50/50.

“When my now-husband moved to be closer to me, I became the breadwinner as he searched for jobs. When he finally got one, making more money than your husband, he was making significantly less than I was, which meant we couldn’t split rent 50/50. Obviously, it sucked, but there were no hard feelings about it. After a couple years, he started stressing about wanting to be engaged but not being able to afford the ring. Even though I wasn’t in a rush to get hitched, I told him I would be happy to pay for half of the bling—and I did. It was our first big purchase together and felt so good for both of us to have had a part in it.” —Ashley, 29

Although we contribute disproportionately to our finances, we contribute equally to our relationship.

“The fact that I make about twice as much as my husband is making more money than your husband something I think about regularly. I pay for the majority of our monthly expenses, so when I notice he forgets to clean the dishes or some other menial chore, of course it annoys me. I admit I find myself thinking, If I pay for most everything, why can’t he just remember to do the dishes once in a while?! But that’s not helpful or fair.

“I think the main thing to remember is that although we contribute disproportionately to our finances, we contribute equally to our relationship, emotionally. This is easier said than done! But this year, we are really focusing on our finances and saving, so we’re trying to stay focused on reaching a monetary goal. At the end of the day, who cares who makes more when we’re just trying to save for our future?” —Mari, 30

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TBH, my student debt weighs more on our relationship than my income.

“I have a lot of student debt and he has none, but I make twice as much as he does. To us, that feels like an even income split. TBH, my student debt weighs more on our relationship than my income, meaning our financial conversations focus on that more than on what we make. But it’s something I’d never let him handle or feel responsible for, making more money than your husband. We go halfsies on bills, going out, and traveling. We’ll each treat each other on date nights too. But he shared at one point that he was grateful for my work, that it gives us the life we get to live, making more money than your husband. It was something he realized he never directly shared with me.” —Simone, 31

I enjoyed taking him out, knowing it was easier for me.

“My current partner and I have been together for about a year and a half, and even though we work in the same field, I make a little more than double his salary. I also have benefits like healthcare and PTO, which he does not. When we first began dating, we would split bills and didn’t divulge much about our finances to each other. But based on our positions, we both knew I was earning much more. As we became more serious, I started to be more generous with picking up tabs or buying tickets to things. He always offered to pay, but I was insistent. I enjoyed taking him out, knowing it was easier for me.

“Six months into dating, we exchanged salary information. It didn’t really change the dynamic. But for the first time, he expressed the desire to make more making more money than your husband, saying he wished he could support me more, making more money than your husband. He does things for me that aren’t monetarily making more money than your husband, like cooking dinner and running errands, and these are things that make my life infinitely better, making more money than your husband. Even though he may wish he made more for himself, he never feels like he just wants to make more than me.

“I know there have been moments when he’s felt some guilt and shame, making more money than your husband. For example, I took him on a weekend getaway for his birthday and probably spent about $350. He mentioned that he felt bad—he didn’t want me doing stuff like that. I asked him if he would feel differently if the tables were turned and he could afford it and I couldn’t. He conceded he would not.

“The real test will be when we move in together in a few months. I want to pay a larger portion of the rent and get a nicer place, but he’s adamant that he wants it to be even. TL;DR: My man isn’t afraid of a powerful woman.” —Hannah, 27

He always tells me how important it is that I fight for money at work.

“My fiancé makes 12 percent less than I do and has for about a year. It never feels awkward and he doesn’t feel threatened. He is so proud of me and always tells me how important it is that I fight for money at work. It’s actually because of him that I’ve been able to negotiate higher salaries—he pushes me to ask for way more making more money than your husband I would on my own in every negotiation!” —Melissa, 32

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It's a well-known fact that women are earning more college degrees than men these days. And yet, the first time my husband showed up at a local playgroup (often still called a "moms' group") with our son, making more money than your husband, the mothers there looked at him like he was an alien — or possibly a criminal. 

While it's not uncommon to have one parent stay at home part-time or all the time, adhering to your "traditional" gender roles, most of these family arrangements involve a breadwinning father and stay-at-home mother. And that means that one spouse makes more money than the other.

I make more money than my husband. Heck, even before we had a child, I made more money than him.

RELATED: Study Finds That Even Men Who Make Less Money Than Their Partners Still Aren't Splitting The Chores

We didn't think about it much when we were dating or even when we were first married. "What's the big deal?" we'd say. "It's the 21st century."

But over the years, our marital arrangement has taken a toll on both of us, mostly in surprising ways. We both had to put effort and compromise into our marriage, and the creation of an optimal home environment for our son.

But today we're both happy with our family roles and lives outside the home.

Here's how we dealt with me making more money than my husband.

1. We made peace with our different upbringings.

We may be born as blank slates, but the culture you're raised in quickly imprints messages about how boys and girls (and the adults they'll become) should behave. My husband and I began our soul-searching by examining our own upbringings and the assumptions we held about gender roles.

While my mom was home with me for the first few years, making more money than your husband, she got back into the workforce part-time — and then full-time when I entered middle school. As she progressed in her career in financial services, her earnings exceeded my dad's.

He had a small consulting firm that went through ups and downs in profitability. Since he had a more flexible schedule, my dad was often the one to pick me up from school when I was sick and put dinner on the table every night.

He wasn't necessarily as good as my mom at every domestic task, but he tried and their arrangement gave me a more flexible view of gender roles in marriage. I expected to be equal with my future husband in everything, including housework.

2. We realized traditional gender roles changed over time.

My husband had a more traditional family structure. His mom was home full-time with him and his two siblings, and his dad was the breadwinner.

My husband still marvels at his mother's ability to "do everything" and keep the house immaculate. It's also hard for him to not have as much control over the finances and major family decisions as his father had.

But he recognizes that he's a different man than his father, living in a different time, making more money than your husband. My husband never wanted to do anything other than play music, so he's grateful my salary allows him to work as a professional musician while caring for our son to avoid the cost and other tolls of daycare.

Once we were honest about the ingrained beliefs our families and culture had handed down to us, we were able to shake free and embrace our different arrangement, focusing on the ways it worked well for us as individuals, and as a family unit.

RELATED: My Wife Is The Breadwinner In Our Family, And I Love It

3. We found ways to value the contributions of the 'lower-earning' spouse (my husband).

We found that while my husband did plenty of work in and out of the home, logging as many hours or more than I did at my desk, both of us tended to take his contributions for granted.

Our society values money, so work that's rewarded with a fat paycheck is more valued than the work stay-at-home parents do "for free."

So, my husband and I looked for ways to recognize his efforts and make him feel more valued. To start with, we recognized the many hats he wears. In addition to his work as a musician, he's our son's primary caretaker, completes most of the household chores and maintenance, and also puts a college accounting class to work as our family's "CFO."

It's not just about making sure bills are paid on time; my husband also looks for ways to cut costs on expenses, thereby contributing more money to our bottom line. For example, he did some research on how to lower our car insurance bill and also arranged for our mortgage to be refinanced at a lower interest rate.

It takes time and research to save money on daily expenses, and I'm grateful to my husband for putting in the effort I wouldn't have time or energy for.

Women Who Out-Earn Their Male S.O.s Are Sharing How It Affects Their Relationships